the more i see myself and the depths of my heart, the more i realize how much i need god.
i see insecurities, jealousy, bitterness, self-righteousness and a selfishness that ultimately hinders me from worshipping god with total abandonment and a genuine heart..

these heart issues are a consequence of me not fully understanding god's love for me. some part of me always wants to do good things for him, as if my performance will gain me acceptance and love in his eyes and from other believers. and while half the time i'm so consumed and discouraged by my own sin, the other time i'm asking god why i have to struggle with these things. i'm tired.

the extent of these struggles remind me that i need god. i desire the fruit but god is stripping down everything i thought was strong and starting again at the roots. he's saying to cultivate the tree and to take care of where its roots lay, all the while promising that the fruit will be abundant as he overflows in me. and even though i wish i wasn't having to face the ugly parts of my heart, i am finding such quiet peace and joy knowing that this is god working in me. god--the perfector of my faith--loves me exactly where i am, but loves me so much that he wants to take me to a place he promises is so much greater. though there is pain in the process, god is unrooting all the idols of my life and reminding me who i am in him. it's a process of head knowledge finally becoming a reality in my heart.


i will never grow to love god more by my own strength. the faith i have even now is not because of my own understanding or ability to see truth. god's love and grace came down to meet me where i was; by his grace and character alone did he open my eyes to see truth. my faith is not of myself but is completely god-given and a testimony of his infinite mercy. that is why i am confident in him who promises to finish the good work he began. when i see my self-righteousness and pride in all of my works, it's as if i reached up to god. god is in the process of humbling me as he tells me that it was never me who reached up to him but that it was him who reached down to me.

as much as i hate my weaknesses, it's honestly a good place to be in. i have never felt such a genuine desperation for god. every second of my day as thoughts are running through my head, it's like god is shouting to me that he wants all of me and that more than anything, i need him. so even though i feel so broken, i think god is trying to teach me what it means to fully depend on him. and because i see his heart and desire to shape me into a godly woman, i praise him who is so faithful even when i am not. we are all broken people who desperately need god. the best part in all of this is that i see god's kindness. he is patient and is walking with me, fighting for me as i face the lies of the enemy, all of my heart issues, insecurities, idols..

god loves me. god knows me. even if no one knows who i am, my father, my savior, my creator and friend knows me intimately, infinitely and that is more than enough for me. on the days it seems like it isn't, i will preach the gospel to myself in all of its truth and beauty; and god--because his mercies are new each morning--will once again floor me with his love.

There are those people in your life who you'll grow apart with over time. Then there are those people who you know you'll always be able to be real with regardless of where you are or how much life has happened.

As I'm starting my morning today, I'm thanking God for someone who I call my brother, my family. 

Happy birthday Daniel!

I miss you man. 2 more months!

Blessed.

What I'm thankful for this week...

my family group. 

for their prayers, encouraging notes, and our blessed conversations during and after the retreat. 

my parents. 

for being so supportive and encouraging after a bad first chemistry test.

my second family back at home. took a stroll through memory lane today. miss you guys so much.

my latest music obssession:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=23vkW-hCabk&ob=av2n

new home.

It's definitely hard to pick up blogging again after so much life has happened..so I'll just fast-forward through all the nit-picky happenings during the first three weeks of college and give some overall glimpses of life so far in Atlanta.

My sociology professor is Russian, talks slowly with a thick accent, and always pronounces 'processes' as 'per-owe-sesses.' My Psychobiology and Cognition course with Dr. Edwards is by far my favorite class but also one of the most challenging. We cover so much material each day that I started recording class. I have to say that my  newest pet peeve is how the three guys behind me manage to cough at the most important moments during each lecture, without fail. I'm also taking Chemistry, my freshman seminar on social influence psychology, and Ballet III. The first week of school, I woke up super early to try and look somewhat nice. Now I roll out of bed ten minutes before and book it to class.

Aside from the ballet class that I'm taking (which I love), I also joined the Emory Dance Company! The movement and style of dancing is so different to what I'm used to but I love it. The piece I'm in is still in the making; the choreographer is all about being inspired by spontaneous ideas and running with those ideas to piece things together. It's cool.

On a side note, Jimmy Carter came to talk to the 2015 freshman class yesterday. He's a fan of Harry Potter books. Jimmy Carter knows what's up.

These are some of the girls I've met who live in my hall/dorm. This is us post-songfest where we were repping Dobbs, aka the best dorm at Emory.

Some shots of what happens at our late-night "studying" sessions.

After being so used to seeing the same thirty familiar faces and closest friends each Sunday, it's been hard but also a huge blessing to now be at Journey Church of Atlanta! The people I've met are great and the girls in my family group who meet every Wednesday are awesome. Friday worship nights or what we call Quest, is honestly one of the things I look forward to the most each week.

These are some of the girls in my family group! We went out to dinner together for Korean food (which I was craving SO BAD) and then had bubble tea afterwards. Yay for fg!

I guess I could go on and give you the details of every day since I've been here. But overall, college is exactly what I expected and everything I didn't expect. I won't lie and say everything's been perfect, but I love it more each day..

I'm learning that trying to smuggle five bananas and six apples into my backpack won't fly with the kitchen staff, that I should plan on getting out of bed two minutes earlier so I don't pee my pants running to the bathroom down the hall, that the library's seventh floor is where I actually get things done, that I'm still just as directionally challenged as ever, that there actually comes a day when you'll miss Corvallis rain, and that bugs in Atlanta are BIG.

I'm reminded that friendships take time to build, that being alone sometimes isn't always a bad thing, that my parents are really cool for always telling me that they're praying for me, that it's okay to embrace the awkward and not take myself so seriously, and that I've been incredibly blessed with a second family who is the same encouragement to me whether I'm in Oregon or Georgia.

And most importantly, I'm reminded everyday that God is God 

and I am not.

A best friend from home encouraged me to write down one thing I am thankful for each day. It's brought me through those moments of feeling homesick and humbled me in those moments of college excitement, when everything is going great. Even the little things I can be thankful for always remind me of what has been done for me. 

The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.

So today, I am thankful for my roommate. Even though she likes the room uncomfortably hot and started spraying weird smelling foot febreeze on her shoes today, she always brings me back apples and bananas from the dining hall because she knows I like to hoard fruit in the room. 

Reunion Time

Yesterday marked a great reunion for our Corvallis Oneighty family! Can you believe it? I never knew when I would see some of these friends again and it was awesome to spend a day with them in Korea!

This is Yul, Ronnie, Michael, me, and Chris right before the night ended. (Jay was also there but had to leave earlier) It was one of the best times I've had in Korea--lots of catching up about life, good food, college advice and stories from the boys, and recalling back on old memories.

I missed these boys! 

Michael, on the right, attends Syracuse University and goes back to Korea for most of the breaks so it sucks for people like me back in Corvallis who miss all the people who go off to college. It was so fun to see him again. I guess if these people wont visit us in Corvallis, we just have to go to Korea to see them! Once I'm at college this next fall, I'll be a little closer..in the same time zone at least.

Me and Ronnie together sharing ice cream. Ronnie home-stayed with my family her freshman year in high school and I missed her so much when she left! If there's anything I love about being in Korea, it's not the shopping or the food that I love a lot..it's being able to see old friends again like her. Seriously so much fun. I tried convincing her to come back to Oregon for college so I can see her all the time when I come home for breaks. I have my fingers crossed!

Our dinner with our nice little aprons.

You can tell we were excited. We didn't eat the whole thing by ourselves, don't worry.

Oh Jay...how I missed this guy. We have some epic memories from spending study halls together at school and late nights with Jessica and Daryl at the OSU library, not to mention all the youth group events and the mission trip we went on together to Arizona. He helped me with more chemistry problems than I can remember and was famous for always telling me to "use my brain"--a line that Jessica and I still remember and laugh about. It was more than awesome to see him again and to hear the cool things he's a part of now. He had to leave us early because he had to go to a meeting for his mission trip to Cambodia. How awesome is that! It's so encouraging to see how people who used to attend Corvallis Korean Church are branching out and doing incredible things elsewhere. 

Speaking of which, Chris actually just got back from Russia where he was also on a mission trip with his church in Korea. It was fun hearing about the work his team did over there with street ministry and how God still worked despite a huge language barrier. This is him singing his heart away at a nolehbang for a classic karaoke session. I still remember being on the worship team with him back when I was a little 8th grader..time flies! He's going back to Wisconsin Madison this next fall and he said he's hoping to visit Corvallis in the summer.

Gotta love Korean karaoke time. We sang and played a card game called something I forget, but it was a lot like Egyptian Ratscrew. Ronnie dominated and I sucked really bad. It was all part of a great night!

embracing fobness

I've accomplished a lot in the past two days.

I rode the subway by myself for the first time and managed to get off at the right stop, change subway lines, and navigate the way from the subway to my grandma's house--all in one piece, with nothing stolen, and without getting frazzled or brownie! I will say that all those fridays at Korean school paid off because being able to read the names of each stop helped me not get lost, and you guys know how directionally challenged I am. It gets pretty cozy in the subway when it's packed..I was in one guy's armpit for a good five minutes.

The past two days have been so much fun! Yesterday, I got to see Jessica, who I hadn't seen in two years! I missed this girl and I've always thought how awesome it would have been if we could have been seniors together at CV and at Oneighty.

With my strawberry smoothie and her latte, we spent time catching up on the past years and laughing about how we're nervous, excited, and complete noobs when it comes to college. Good thing we're both going to Georgia and we'll only be 15 minutes away! We already have plans to take the buses that go from Georgia Tech and Emory to local churches together when we get to Atlanta. It's awesome that after two years, and of all the places and colleges we could have ended up at, we're going to be so close to each other. God is so good!

Yul joined us later and we had dinner together, ate dessert, took some fobby pictures, and ended the night with kareoke! These two are so much fun.

These are our fob-stye pictures that we took in a booth. Unlike the lame-o photo booths in America, the ones in Korea let you choose your own background and afterwards you can decorate the pictures with even more fobby designs! It was all so exciting. See, this is me embracing my inner fob. As a side note, I'll say that Yul was such a good sport about doing this. As a junior boy in high school, he never complained even when Jessica and I made him wear funky girly ears for the pictures. Yay Yul! 

Embracing our fobness.

Our dessert.

Today I met Lauren! I was more than excited to see her because I didn't think I would see her until Winter Break. Even though it's just been 2 months, there was lots to talk about. We ate of course, walked around the mall and outside, and shopped (shopping in Korea is amazing) even though most of it was just eye shopping.

We also took pictures! More fob pictures! 

Busan

I'm back in Seoul again! I came up from Busan yesterday and then spent the rest of the day with my cousin, Soojin. It had been seven years since I last saw her when she visited Corvallis and we had a good time catching up, talking about college, and checking out a famous outside shopping area that attracts lots of tourists. The stores sell a number of things from clothes, jewelry, pottery, to random accessories. My cousin and I both love shopping and had fun roaming around to each store, even though it was super hot and crowded.

After a long day of shopping, she took me to a cute coffee and dessert shop..this was our dessert after our huge dinner. 

Back when I was in Busan, I spent a day with Gabe! My mom and I met him, his mom, and his sister for lunch and then went shopping at one of the biggest malls in Korea (I know, lots of shopping). We also went by the beach and walked along the shore. After all this speaking Korean and meeting a ton of family, I was more than excited to hang out with a friend! 

With mom at the beach. Below is the view of the city from the beach. It looks super cloudy but the weather was perfect for walking on the beach, even at night!

After lunch and the beach, we went to a chimgeelbang, a Korean sauna. There were at least six different rooms as hot as 160 degrees, and you go in, lay down, try to endure as long as you can, and sweat buckets. The picture above is me and Gabe in the salt room which was about 110 degrees--one of the less hotter rooms, but still scorching for me! Right after sitting in one of the rooms, you step into the ice room, which feels amazing after roasting in the sauna. We repeated the process about five times and I got better at enduring the heat. It sounds weird, but it was so fun and one of the things my mom insisted I  experience in Korea.

With my mom in the ice room. Please appreciate the lamb ears we made, also a Korean tradition in the saunas! For people in Oneighty, don't they remind you of Min? He was that little boy who was amazing at guitar and wore the ears around while we were at the sand dunes. I saw an older kid at the sauna wearing the same ears who looked just like him!

While I was staying at my grandma's in Busan, my mom also took me to a fish market where people sell fish, crabs, and other random creatures (some still swimming around in tanks) that didn't look too appetizing at all. I watched one lady catch a eel, snake looking thing and cut it up while it kept squirming around..it kept moving around in the bowl after it was all cut up too. It stunk like fish hardcore.

It was definitely a different, smelly experience but its cool to see parts of Korea that are the opposite of the city.

Me with the umbrella my grandma told me to use to keep from getting tanner. More later! I'm going to see Jessica soon and I'm excited to see her after two years!