the more i see myself and the depths of my heart, the more i realize how much i need god.
i see insecurities, jealousy, bitterness, self-righteousness and a selfishness that ultimately hinders me from worshipping god with total abandonment and a genuine heart..
these heart issues are a consequence of me not fully understanding god's love for me. some part of me always wants to do good things for him, as if my performance will gain me acceptance and love in his eyes and from other believers. and while half the time i'm so consumed and discouraged by my own sin, the other time i'm asking god why i have to struggle with these things. i'm tired.
the extent of these struggles remind me that i need god. i desire the fruit but god is stripping down everything i thought was strong and starting again at the roots. he's saying to cultivate the tree and to take care of where its roots lay, all the while promising that the fruit will be abundant as he overflows in me. and even though i wish i wasn't having to face the ugly parts of my heart, i am finding such quiet peace and joy knowing that this is god working in me. god--the perfector of my faith--loves me exactly where i am, but loves me so much that he wants to take me to a place he promises is so much greater. though there is pain in the process, god is unrooting all the idols of my life and reminding me who i am in him. it's a process of head knowledge finally becoming a reality in my heart.
i will never grow to love god more by my own strength. the faith i have even now is not because of my own understanding or ability to see truth. god's love and grace came down to meet me where i was; by his grace and character alone did he open my eyes to see truth. my faith is not of myself but is completely god-given and a testimony of his infinite mercy. that is why i am confident in him who promises to finish the good work he began. when i see my self-righteousness and pride in all of my works, it's as if i reached up to god. god is in the process of humbling me as he tells me that it was never me who reached up to him but that it was him who reached down to me.
as much as i hate my weaknesses, it's honestly a good place to be in. i have never felt such a genuine desperation for god. every second of my day as thoughts are running through my head, it's like god is shouting to me that he wants all of me and that more than anything, i need him. so even though i feel so broken, i think god is trying to teach me what it means to fully depend on him. and because i see his heart and desire to shape me into a godly woman, i praise him who is so faithful even when i am not. we are all broken people who desperately need god. the best part in all of this is that i see god's kindness. he is patient and is walking with me, fighting for me as i face the lies of the enemy, all of my heart issues, insecurities, idols..
god loves me. god knows me. even if no one knows who i am, my father, my savior, my creator and friend knows me intimately, infinitely and that is more than enough for me. on the days it seems like it isn't, i will preach the gospel to myself in all of its truth and beauty; and god--because his mercies are new each morning--will once again floor me with his love.